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This will be a loaded post, but I’m going to try to make it as concise as possible. I am going to attempt to encompass all that has been going on in my brain and in my life over the past 5 months. As always, I hope you can see yourself in a little bit of what I share. My intention is always to encourage you, hoping that you can take away a small nugget of what I share and apply it to your own life. 

As most of you know, we are expecting our 3^rd baby boy. I can’t believe it. We are so, so excited! Our due date is November 1^st, I’m just over 21 weeks. 

I’ve mentioned this so many times in various places on the internet, but this pregnancy has been an extremely eye-opening experience. I’m not really sure why it has felt so different this time around. Maybe it has to do with the fact that the beginning of this pregnancy was really hard and scary. In just the first 10 weeks, I had at least 4 scares that either made me believe I wasn’t actually pregnant or that I was losing the baby altogether. The ups and downs and the emotional toll it all took on me really forced me to get real with myself and take inventory of all the systems and “things” I had going on in my life. 

I won’t get into every single nitty gritty business task that consumes me week to week, but all you need to know for the sake of this post is that I knew deep down for a long time that my schedule was going to have to change, or I was going to burn out…and burn out quick. I am notorious for having a lot of “irons in the fire” and juggling a ton of tasks. 

Part of this is because I am truly multi-passionate—and I am learning that most entrepreneurs are. And that is okay! It’s more than okay. 

I love art. I love design. I love thrifting. I love visual merchandising. I love writing. I love teaching. I love encouraging others. I love styling. Basically, if it has anything to do with being creative, or encouraging others to be creative, I am on it. For a long time, I really beat myself up over this. I thought that if I couldn’t hone in on ONE thing and master ONE concept, then no one would ever take me seriously as a business owner. I have recently let go of trying to hold on tightly to “one thing,” and I’ve allowed myself to consistently work on all the things I love. Some business gurus may say that this is recipe for failure. I call it being true who I am, and living in alignment with the highest version of myself.

A theme you will see in this post: I am learning to give myself permission to be who I really am—and I’m turning away from constantly talking down to myself for not being a certain type of way. I am letting go of comparing myself to Suzie down the street who is extremely type A, laser focused and driven, and I am giving myself permission to chase after my own curiosities—with little to no guilt. We are all built differently. And again, that's okay. 

I don’t have to fit into a certain mold in order to be considered successful, and neither do you. My whole life, I chased approval, accolades, awards, grades and success. From a very early age, I believed that I had something to prove. I believed that if I wasn’t the best, there was no use in trying.

A lot of this overachiever mentality stemmed from losing my mom at a young age, and being sent to live with my grandparents in a town I wasn’t super familiar with. I moved to Union City in second grade, and I spent most of my childhood trying to prove that I was worthy of being “taken in.” My grandparents were almost 70 when I went to live with them, and even as a 7-year-old, I knew this was a huge sacrifice. I always wanted to make everyone around me proud. I never wanted to let anyone down. I was overly helpful, overly productive and felt guilty taking up space. I never wanted to rock the boat, so I kept a lot of my thoughts, opinions and questions to myself. 

I did learn, however, that when I made good grades and performed well in sports that everyone around me was happy and proud. When I made 3-point shots on the basketball court and stole bases on the softball field, I was patted on the back. Not just by my grandparents, but by everyone. When I played every sport known to man and never had a day off as a high schooler, I was viewed as “talented” or “cool.” When I made good grades and received awards, I felt like I had done my job by proving myself.

But proved myself to who?? For what?? 

Over the years, I would only feel worthy if I received awards and recognition for whatever task was at hand. If I didn’t make Top 10 for grades, I wasn’t smart enough. If I didn’t’ make All-State, I wasn’t athletic enough. If my boyfriend cheated on me, I wasn’t pretty enough or skinny enough. If my friends didn’t invite me, I wasn’t cool enough. 

This mentality followed me to college and grad school. Always trying to be the best, achieve the most and look the cutest while doing it. 

A series of events happened that ultimately lead me to become a speech-language pathologist in order to keep everyone around me happy. Once I figured out that I hated it, I didn’t think I could quit because that would mean that I failed…wouldn’t it? That would mean that I got it wrong. That would mean that I made a mistake. Quitting would mean letting down my family, my boss and a lot of other people. So I stuck it out for way longer than I should, living life on autopilot. Not really feeling fulfilled, but staying at my job because that’s what a “good” girl would do. 

When my brother passed away in 2018, I stopped caring so much what others thought about my life decisions. The veil started to lift. I started to view myself as an actual human being with free will and choices. I realized that this is my life, and I can quit a job if I want. Especially if it made me miserable. 

So that’s what I did. I quit. But if I was going to quit, I knew that I would be expected to make up that yearly income somehow. Insert my love of art, design, thrifting, teaching, etc. 

Will and I were freshly into our marriage when I decided to give up speech, but I fell into that old pattern of feeling like I had something to prove. If I was going to give up my safe job in a school system with benefits and insurance, then I better find a way to make it worth it. This is pressure that I continuously place on myself. Many of the business decisions I’ve made over the past 6 years have come from a place of wanting to prove myself. To be seen as legitimate. To be viewed as successful. To feel worthy. 

I have 100% been confusing success with worthiness. 

If I work harder and stay busy, I will be worthy. If I make enough money to cover my SLP income, I will be worthy. If I never take a day off and grind myself to the bone, I will be worthy. If I always reach for more, I will be worthy. If I open my store 6 days a week, I will be worthy. If I get likes and comments on Instagram, I will be worthy. 

Why does this sound familiar? Oh, because it’s what I did in high school. It’s crazy how our body just falls into those familiar patterns, sometimes without even noticing it. 

This is why it’s so important to slow down, spend time alone, reflect and ask yourself why you are doing what you’re doing. Up until this pregnancy, I’m not sure I was slowing down enough to really take inventory. It’s important to conduct a life audit every once in a while, but when we are stuck on autopilot, zooming out and looking at your life from a bird’s eye view is next to impossible. 

I’ve been incorporating a lot of new slow and intentional habits into my life.

One of these being writing in a journal weekly, if not daily.

Here are a few prompts that really encourage me to be honest with myself:

Yesterday, what lit me up? What brought me joy? What did I truly enjoy doing? 

Yesterday, what drained me? What did I avoid? What did I dread? 

These simple questions have been so life changing for me. The concept is simple. Do more of the things that bring you joy and less of the things that drain you. 

Maybe your job is what drains you. I’d take note of that. 

Maybe it’s your ridiculous schedule that drains you. Take note of that. 

Maybe it’s the tasks around the house. Maybe it’s your marriage. Maybe it’s your parents. 

This is your reminder that if you are not happy with a certain area of your life, it is no one else’s responsibility but your own to change it. You can live the next 50 years complaining about the same things, or you can take action to make a positive change in your life. The choice is yours--so please remember that the next time you feel yourself slipping into victim mode.

My favorite part of my journaling practice is when I really notice what brings me joy. What part of my day did I want to do more of? What part of my day did I enjoy so much that I didn’t want it to end? Was it reading a good book? Going on a walk with my kids? Eating dinner with my spouse without my phone? Was it the part of my day when I allowed myself to play and be creative? 

Slow and intentional habits that have been improving my quality of life as of late: 

-Plugging my phone up outside my bedroom at night 

-Daily walks listening to the Activations app (formerly Superhuman) 

-Saying "no" to projects I will dread

-Embracing my curly hair 

-Not posting every single day on socials

-Sitting in the sunshine

-Not checking my phone in the middle of the night or right after I wake up

-Reading a lot (waking up before boys, about 5:00 and reading in my sunroom)

-Walking in the grass barefoot

-Lighting a candle while I work on my computer or take a shower. Romanticizing simple moments. 

-Believing I am worthy of good things

-Not entertaining people or relationships who foster “woe is me” or scarcity mentality

-Not playing the victim  

-Setting boundaries that allow me to be a more present mother and wife 

-Staying home more 

-Beef tallow instead of lotion or expensive creams

-When sourcing for the store, I only look for large items. If small items catch my eye, I will buy them…but I’m not actively searching for smalls. Less work for more return. 

-Asking myself daily, “What would the highest version of Paige do?” 

-Being proud of taking breaks, instead of feeling guilty 

-Turning off my text notifications 

-Taking naps

-Painting more

I’m sure I’m forgetting a few, but I am fully embracing this as my season to let go of seeking approval. I am saying goodbye to grind culture. Workaholics are often trying to avoid something or compensate for something. I am fully aware of this. I can honestly look back at the seasons where I was grinding my tail off and admit that I was trying to prove I could make it as a business owner. I was trying to prove my legitimacy. Again…for who??? Maybe I will write a whole blog post on that someday. 

As for this season of pregnancy, I am choosing to believe I am worthy. Even when I’m not grinding, even when I’m not moving the needle forward, even when I’m not making a dollar. God says I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I want my kids to believe that about themselves, so why not believe it about myself? 

And lastly, I am giving myself permission. I’m not waiting on permission to come to me. I’m telling myself that I am ALLOWED to take breaks. I am allowed to go on walks. I am allowed to actually sit down to eat breakfast. I am allowed to take a nap. I am allowed to decrease my hours at the store. I am allowed to say no. I am allowed to set boundaries. I am allowed to do what’s best for my family. I am allowed to let others down. I am allowed to play. I am allowed to make mistakes. I am allowed to pivot. I am allowed to try new things. I am allowed to change my routine. I am allowed to stop hanging out with people who make me feel icky. I am allowed to take trips alone. I am allowed to do things that aren't lucrative. I am allowed to be happy. 

If any of this resonated with you, please let me know! So many of us get caught up in a set of unwritten rules and expectations. But why? For who? What are you trying to prove? 

Go do something today that brings you joy. And do so unapologetically!!

Share this post on socials or with a friend if you found it valuable. I'd greatly appreciate it!

Love you all!

Paige